Street Pimps v Book Publishers - A Scientific Survey
This scientific comparison survey was carried out in 2009 by the Institute For Starving Artists.
No Pimps were harmed in the making of this survey. One Publisher was slapped somewhat.
The Statistics:
Commission taken by Pimp = 25%
Commission taken by Publisher = 90%
Comparative Context:
Pimp brings whore customers.
Publisher sends writers to bookstores to find own customers.
Pimp protects whore from attack.
Publisher glad to see writer attacked by critics for free publicity.
Pimp hurts attackers.
Publisher publishes attackers.
Pimp fucks whore occasionally.
Publisher never takes writers to lunch.
Pimp gives whore gifts.
Publisher gives gifts to writer’s agent.
Pimp takes whore to parties.
Publisher goes to parties, boast about writer. Tells writer they missed a great party.
Pimp confident whore knows how to fuck.
Publisher certain they can write better than writer.
Pimp knows how to get sex free and sell it.
Publisher knows how to get writing free.
Pimp appreciates sex more than writing.
Publisher appreciates sex more than writing.
Pimp allows whore to own vagina.
Publisher insists on owning book rights in perpetuity.
Pimp pays whore cash daily.
Publisher pays writer 'after expenses.'
Conclusions:
Although a writer can have 3.5 Pimps working on her behalf for the same percentage commission as taken by one Publisher, even this number of Pimps will not make the writer suffer as much as she will at the hands of one Publisher.
The evidence shows that Pimps are generous and caring custodians of their charges, while Publishers are cruel and incompetent exploiters of theirs, preferring to covet the writers of other Publishers, rather than to appreciate their own.
Final Conclusions by this Research Group:
If you must be a novelist, make sure you are published by a caring and worldly Pimp, and never fall into the brutal hands of a Publisher.
With a Publisher you will end up on the street and you will be alone and starving there while the Publisher dresses in fat chains of pearls and gold lame, dining in good Manhattan restaurants while marveling at your stupidity.
Future Reports by this Committee.
Pimp v Literary Agent – Who earns their commission?
Novelist v Galley Slave - Who does the most rowing?
Unconscious Plagiarism Alert!
I suddenly have a shadowy feeling as if someone may have written something similar to this years ago which I enjoyed and then forgot.
It's not a good feeling.
I wrote this version fresh myself, just a moment ago.
But if you wrote it first, then accept my thanks and apologies and send me your name for attribution.
Or I'll take it down if it upsets you.
Also send some proof that it was you of course.
Publishers can be so sneaky...
